-for YouTube
Now Casting
Cast of Characters
Judge Michelle Obama Has a thing for prosecutor
Clerk R2D2 Court Reporter, etc.
Plaintiff Minion 42 Only beeps, Court Reporter understands
Defendant Donald Trump Very Important Contributor, has waiver for cel phone, always has bag of $$$ handy different sizes and currencies
ProsecutorHalle Berry Has a thing for money
Defense Attorney Tommy Lee Jones Has a thing for The Donald
Bailiff Jack Nicholson A devious little Imp
Juror1 Tom Cruise Foreman
Juror2 Pauley Perrette Has a blog at night
Juror3 Blacklist Guy Has an agenda
Juror4 Sandra Bullock And why not?
Juror5 Joni Mitchell Eric Clapton’s Soul Mate
Juror6 True Grit Lady Poor but honest
Juror7 Tony Soprano This Vote 4 Sale
Juror8 Eric Clapton Joni Mitchell’s True Love
Juror9 Will Smith Powerpoints
Juror10 Madonna The Only Sane One
Juror11 Holes Lady And purse of rattlesnakes
Juror12 Sherman from Big Bang Studies the Evidence Continually
Juror1A Morticia Who’s in her purse? Is that It?
Juror2A Spiderman Disappears occasionally
Juror3A Rosanne Rosannadanna Dying of cancer, but able to serve
Janitor Morgan Freeman Continuity Narrator
Extras as Noted
Beatrice (Killed Bill)
Clouseau
I wish Robin Williams could take a part…
JANITOR – I remember Tuesday…it was another blue day.
BAILIFF – ALL RISE! The 43rd District Court of Red Capewell is now in session, the Honorable Judge Leander presiding! All those having business before this court make ye known thereby!
[mad scrum for front…you….you…and you…drive out hoi polloi from eastern swale. Disorder subsides]
Plaintiff 1 – I move this proceeding be dismissed and remanded to 12th Red Hook!
BAILIFF – [sub voce] Not now, you idiot!
Black Bag is pushed across threshold by movant, caught by Bailiff’s foot and shunted to side.
BAILIFF – So ordered! To 12th Red Hook, Thursday 12th of Octo.
PROSECUTOR – Appearing as ordered, case 42 PIT 00938, Jury Selection.
BAILIFF (to SCRUMMANT)– State your business!
Black Bag is pushed across threshold by movant, caught by Bailiff’s foot and shunted to side.
BAILIFF – So ordered!
JUDGE strikes Gavel.
CLERK – Case 42 PIT 00938, now called to order. Bailiff, do we have a jury panel?
[Panel of 40 or so files in, the usual scrum. Some have bags for overhead compartments. One pet is disallowed, not a service animal. Three jurors have notes and are excused after short conference. First twelve are finally empaneled and bags stowed. Remainder repair to gallery.]
CLERK (reading very fast from teleprompter) – All citizens here assembled do you swear to give fair and impartial hearing to all evidence brought forth to these honorable proceedings, yielding no quarter, asking no questions, recognizing all lawful appearators, weighing all deception and discounting all deceivers, remaining in good and lawful health, reporting immediately all erections lasting more than four hours, brooking no discontent, holding fair and impartial counsel, entering no publishing contracts, guest appearances, or blogs until completion of these proceedings and all ensuing appeals of fact or perception, holding allegiance to no one and every one, on this day 4 Novo, County of Hook, State of Main, so help you GOD?
[Three or four more jurors have excused themselves as all strictures are reviewed and have been replaced as needed from reserves. Juror 3, Jack Nicholson, has started to exit, but accepted a black bag of $$$ from bailiff, stowed it overhead and taken his seat back again. He is smoking somewhat.]
JUDGE presents jury to counsel. – Does the persecution have any questions?
PROSECUTOR - JUROR 4, could I have your name, please? …buggedybuggedybooo…That’s lovely JUROR4, we’d like to thank you for your service today, you are now excused. New JUROR4 emerges from panel, takes black bag from PROSECUTOR table, stows it overhead, smiles and takes seat…No further questions, Your Honor.
DEFENSE – JUROR 11, do you own a blue Volkswagen Passat in space 218 of the parking garage directly below us here ……blahblahblah….Would you move that vehicle please? [Gets ticket stamped, exits, never seen again, HOLESLADY picks up bag of $$$, replaces JUROR 11 without comment. JUROR 12, If in the course of this proceeding you were to observe, or take part in, an act among your fellow jurors, that may or may not lead to further activity that may or may not be actually lawful when considered in isolation, but may or may not be germane to issues at hand and under serious deliberation, would you be willing to do me a personal favor and write down any of your observations concerning such activity and send me a note next morning?.....boogedyboggeedyboggedy…That would be really great. The Defense has no further questions Your Honor. We welcome this panel and are well pleased with their discernment and dedication to finding justice, wherever we may be led in this matter.
JUDGE selects three more alternates, bailiff duct tapes eyes, nose, mouth, ears and seats them in Pool of Alternates, to be drawn later if needed.
[TIMEGOESBY]
We'll soon be assembling a real life jury. We already have consultants consulting about the must way to communicate. So i have to ask my readership, 'If you were selected, what would be your biggest curiosity? What is a productive line of inquiry? What is a clear waste of time?' Drop me a line.